


Slipping

by WingsOfWax



Series: One or the Other [8]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: (sort of), Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Prompt Fill?, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 09:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9996314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingsOfWax/pseuds/WingsOfWax
Summary: “Because Dad called and asked if I wanted to go out there for a party. I said no, but I just can't stop thinking about everything.” Matt rubs his thumb over Aaron’s scarred knuckles. “I forgave him for all the shit he put me through. Yeah, he shouldn't have offered it, but I accepted it. It's just as much my fault as it is his. Even if I forgive him, I can't forget. I won't forget. That was...too hard a lesson learned. Twice.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> so does anyone remember in nora's extra content where she talks about matt's past and how he only ever told dan about what happened? yeah, well, now he's telling aaron too 
> 
> as always, please tell me if i need to add anything to the tags
> 
> i don't really feel like i finished it? but i also didn't have anything else to add, so this is what you get

His skin itches. He finds himself scratching at the old scars that mar the insides of his elbows late at night when he can't sleep. He craves a release. He  _ needs _ it. 

But he doesn't go searching for it. That is a testament, he thinks, to just how far he's come. He doesn't grab his phone and his wallet and head to the shitty part of the city where he knows he could score in a matter of minutes. He's seen them, the dealers, prowling around at all hours. They don't just lurk in shady alleys or deep in the bowels of dark clubs. They are right there on the street, bold as they please, just waiting for the foolish and the weak.

He isn’t weak. Not anymore. He'd shredded that weakness from his body years ago. Yet… And yet.

He still  _ wants _ it. He takes hot showers. Cold showers. He presses ice to the insides of his arms. He chugs water. He works out like a man possessed. He runs longer, faster, on his morning runs. He practices harder and harder on the court. 

His team don’t question him. His coach doesn’t ask, though Matt catches more than a few accusing stares. “Random” drug tests come along, and Matt knows he will pass. He isn’t gone yet. Not yet. 

Still.

After the Nationals game - that his team wins, for a change - the season is over. He is granted a break from exy for a little while. And things get so much harder without the distraction of practices and games. He is struggling. 

_ the fuck is wrong with u?  _ Aaron asks him one day in a text.  _ ur being an asshole _

Matt doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know how to tell Aaron he wants fucking  _ heroin  _ so badly he is tasting it in his dreams. He is remembering everything from back then, when he was sixteen and seventeen and partying all the time with his dad. The dreams are part nightmares. He sleeps less and less. 

_ Nothing _ is the reply he sends, hours later, after another brutal workout in the gym that leaves him sore and ill. 

He gets a response almost immediately.  _ Bullshit _

He is very, very tempted to text  _ im fine _ just to piss Aaron off, but after their fight on the phone last weekend, he doesn’t want to. 

He is still thinking about all they'd said. Aaron is short on patience too, since he is gearing up for finals and he'd been tossed in the middle of one of Gregg and Katelyn's fights or something - Aaron hasn't been very clear on the details. Matt just doesn’t respond at all, and he doesn’t call like usual either. Aaron doesn’t try to call him either, and maybe that hurts worse. 

He is drowning. He doesn’t know what to do. Ever since his dad called and asked if he wanted to come spend some time with him during the summer and have  _ another one of our parties, you know? _ Matt hasn’t been thinking clearly. It started with the dreams - remembering being high that first time and forever chasing that same feeling, that same weightlessness and carefree joy. Then it just got worse and worse. 

Only now he is making himself sick. He's been puking his guts out after his workouts. That isn’t healthy. He knows that. But he can’t stop. It is all he can  _ do _ . He has no other distractions that will keep his attention for long enough. He’s tried changing things up and getting back into boxing again, but that isn't helping either. And he is still sick. 

Then he starts driving. It is aimless, just cruising around the city and sometimes out of it. He drives for hours, listening to music or just the sound of the other cars on the road. His skin still itches, still burns. He still wants that high. He still wants to  _ let go _ and not care about anything anymore. 

He and Aaron don’t talk for four days. Four days without a single text or phone call. Matt doesn’t know what to think. He is desperately angry and desperately depressed and so, so desperate for something,  _ anything _ to take the edge off. He goes to the club with Lexi and starts binge drinking, but that is stupid too, because he can spot a dealer anywhere and he is far too tempted. 

He is watching the guy chat up one of the too-skinny girls that models or something when he feels his phone ringing. He digs it out of his pocket. It’s Aaron. He sighs and lets it go to voicemail. He doesn’t want to talk to Aaron. He wants to talk to that dealer and score something to make him feel better. But his phone rings again. And when he doesn’t pick up, it rings again. He knocks back another shot as he watches it light up a fourth time. 

“Shouldn't you answer that?” Lexi plops down in the chair beside him. 

“Don't want to,” Matt says honestly. He shrugs and holds up his finger for another shot, but Lexi forces his hand down before the bartender sees him. 

“You've had enough. Answer your phone.” She crosses her arms over her chest and stares at him. 

Matt shakes his head. “No.” He stands and makes his way over to the dealer, leaving his phone behind. Let Lexi talk to Aaron if she wants to. He isn't going to bother. “Hey man.”

The dealer turns to him and grins. “Hey bud!” He slaps Matt’s arm affectionately and they walk off to a quieter corner. “Whatchu need, my man?”

“Whatever you've got.” Matt says, and he knows he sounds too desperate. He doesn’t care. He can feel eyes on him, and he knows Lexi is watching this little conversation. She’ll probably reem him for this if she catches on - so he’ll have to be smarter than her. “Just -”

“Matt.” He closes his eyes and curses internally. It’s Lexi. He turns to face her. She’s got his phone in her hand, and he can see the screen displaying an ongoing call. “He wants to talk to you.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want to talk to him.” Matt turns back to face the dealer, but he’s already gone. He wants to punch the wall, but he holds himself back. Doing that will only get him kicked out, and he’d really like to be a lot more drunk before he has to face down his empty apartment alone. 

“I don’t really give a fuck what you want.” Lexi shoves the phone at him. “Talk. To. Your. Fucking. Boyfriend.” She waits until Matt has the phone in his hand before taking a step back. When he doesn’t do anything, she waves her hand impatiently for him to hold the phone up to his ear. He huffs and does so. If he doesn’t, he knows she’ll just snatch it out of his hand and do it for him. It wouldn’t even be hard for her, considering she’s as tall as he is - in heels.

“Don’t be a fucking moron,” Aaron snaps. Matt blinks. “Why the fuck haven’t you shown up yet? You were supposed to be here yesterday.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to come,” Matt says, feeling petulant. He’d pout, if Aaron could see him. He’s too drunk for this kind of conversation, even if he isn’t as drunk as he wants to be yet. “You haven’t spoken to me in four fucking days.”

“Not like you made much of a fucking effort either.” Aaron pauses for a moment, and Matt can hear him take a deep breath. “Stop being self-destructive and get your ass home and then on a goddamn plane tomorrow, okay? I can’t help from two hundred fucking miles away.”

Matt looks at the floor. “How do you know?”

“Because I’m not an idiot. Lexi just told me what you were doing. Going off to talk to some shady-looking guy she’s never seen before? Sounds like a dealer to me, and that’s all she fucking said. Randy called, too. She said you’ve been sick. Said she heard you puking your guts out the other day after working out. Been pushing yourself too hard?” 

Matt swallows hard. He wants to puke again right now, but that’s part guilt and part too much alcohol. He looks at Lexi, whose expression has softened a great deal. She says, “Let me get you home, okay?” He just nods.

“She’s taking me home.”

“Good. Call me when you get there.” And Aaron hangs up. 

Matt shoves his phone into his pocket and he goes back to the bar. He pays his and Lexi’s tab and they head outside to wait for a cab while she smokes. He bums one from her and they laugh a little - it’s a known secret that Lexi smokes only when she drinks. Matt doesn’t smoke at all, but he’s so desperate for anything right now that he’ll take even the crappy nicotine high. 

She has the cab take him to his apartment first and she walks with him inside and all the way up to his door. He thinks Aaron might have had something to do with that, but he doesn’t mention it. Instead, he is polite and asks if she wants to come in, but she declines, waits until he closes the door, and only then does she leave. Matt locks up and makes his way to the couch, where he flops down and just lays there for a little while. 

He really doesn’t want to talk to Aaron right now, but he knows Aaron won’t wait long before calling him back. So he fishes his phone out of his pocket and he puts it on speaker and leaves it on the coffee table. Aaron answers after just one ring. 

“You home?” Aaron asks. Matt grunts his  _ yes  _ in the form of a noise. “What’s going on? Why are you hitting up drug dealers?” There is no judgement in his voice, only concern. Matt wonders how that’s even possible, but then he remembers that Aaron’s had problems of his own when it comes to this sort of thing. He probably understands what Matt’s feeling better than anyone else. 

“‘m itchy,” Matt slurs. He struggles to sit up, but once he does, all he can do is just sit there. He wants to take off his boots, but that means bending over to unlace them, and he’s positive that’s not a very good idea at the moment. So he just stares up at the high ceiling. “Not sleepin’. Nightmares. Memories.”

Aaron is quiet for a while. Matt doesn’t know how long. But when Aaron speaks again, it jolts him awake where he’d faded into a doze. “Go to bed, okay? And then come down here tomorrow. I might not be able to help much, but at least you can...get away from Albany for a little bit.”

Matt hums. “‘Kay. ‘Night.” He hears Aaron disconnect the line and he doesn’t move. He sleeps right there on the couch instead, even if it isn’t long before nightmares have him running to the trashcan to puke.

* * *

 

When he walks out to baggage claim, he isn't expecting to see Aaron waiting for him. He looks tired, but he smiles a little when he sees Matt. It took Matt a while to get from the far end of the airport over to baggage claim, and it looks like Aaron has already found his deep blue and bright green duffle, so Matt bypasses the conveyor belts and goes straight for Aaron instead. 

“You look like shit,” Aaron says softly. He tugs on the hem of Matt’s shirt, but that's all he’ll do here, where people might recognize Matt and snap pictures. He still doesn't blame Aaron for not wanting to be in the public eye anymore - or for not wanting to be outed. 

“Feel like shit,” Matt says honestly. “You look exhausted.” 

Aaron shrugs. “Finished my finals yesterday.” Today is only Wednesday. Matt raises his eyebrows. Aaron looks at the floor. “I told my professors I needed to take them early because something came up. They were okay with it.” 

Matt frowns. “You didn't have to do that…”

“I did. Now let's go.” Aaron heads out of the airport and Matt follows. “I borrowed Katelyn’s car.” They head to short-term parking and Matt takes his bag from Aaron as they go. Katelyn has a little VW Bug, and it's really too small for Matt to fit in comfortably, but the drive isn't terribly long so he doesn't complain. Aaron refuses to allow Matt to buy him a car, even though Matt’s tried several times.

“What are your nightmares about?” Aaron asks. 

Matt sighs and rubs his forehead with the heel of his hand. “The parties with my dad.” He glances at Aaron’s tight fists around the steering wheel. “A lot of shit used to go down at those parties…”

“Like what?” There is a tight edge to Aaron’s voice that almost anyone else would have missed. Aaron casts a quick glance his way. “You don't have to tell me -”

“No,” Matt sighs. He leans his head back against the headrest. “You deserve to know. But...let's wait? I want to sleep for a little bit, and you look like you could use it too.” Aaron nods his consent to that. “How'd the finals go?”

“Good,” Aaron says. “Thing will probably get harder next year.” He flicks on the blinker as they exit the interstate. “Katelyn and Gregg are getting married.”

“Holy shit.” Matt laughs a little. “That was fast.”

Aaron hums a little. “They got engaged over Christmas. They just decided to go ahead and plan the wedding for this summer. It's going to be at his grandfather’s house I guess. If you can call it a house. It looks like a mansion. He showed us pictures.”

“Well damn,” Matt says. “They send out invitations yet?”

“They are this weekend. I've got mine already. Katelyn said she'll give you yours in person since you'll be here too. She's going to send them to all the Foxes - fuck knows why.”

“Well, we did hang out with her a lot,” Matt says with a shrug. “She was around a ton as long as Andrew wasn't there.” 

Aaron shrugs himself. “I don't care. It won't be very big though. Her cheerleader friends are invited, and there are a few people from here that she and Gregg both have invited. I got roped into helping with the damn things.”

“What were they fighting about?” Matt asks. 

“I still don't know. They never told me. They worked it out pretty fast, though.” He turns into the parking lot of his apartment complex and finds a spot very close to the stairs that lead up to his door. He turns the car off and they both get out. “I need to take Katelyn's keys back to her.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Matt asks. 

“Do you want to go?”

Matt shrugs. “Sure. Why not?” 

Aaron nods and they walk up the stairs. They head over to Katelyn's door and Aaron knocks. It takes her a few moments to get to the door, but when she sees Matt, she smiles brightly and steps out to give him a hug. “Hey! We've missed you around here.”

He smiles back. “I heard you were getting married. Congrats.” He steps back and Aaron hands over the keys. “We’ll hang out once all your finals are over, okay?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Katelyn says. “You two go rest. You both look tired.” She smiles at them again, softer and more concerned, and Matt nods. Aaron leads them to his apartment and unlocks the door. They head straight for his bedroom.

Matt strips down to his boxers. Aaron just stares at him. “You've lost too much weight.”

“What?” Matt looks down at himself. “No I haven't.”

“Yes, you have.” Aaron pokes at his abs. “I'm changing your diet plan up for a while. Fuck, Matt.”

Matt rolls his eyes. “Well, when my nutritionist starts bitching, I'm going to make her call you.” 

Aaron shrugs. “Fine. But I'll take a fucking picture of you when we get up so I can show her why. You've even lost some muscle tone. Jesus.” Aaron strips down too and he crawls into his bed. Matt knows he is a space heater to Aaron, but that's okay. He'll take any excuse he can get to curl up around Aaron for a while, even if they always drift apart while they sleep.

“Can we just...sleep for a while?” Matt asks tiredly. “We’ll deal with it later, okay?”

Aaron nods. “Okay. But we  _ will _ deal with this later.” Matt sinks into Aaron’s bed and he wraps his arms around Aaron and pulls him close. They kiss for a moment, but they are both far too tired for anything more. Within minutes, they are both asleep. 

Matt has nightmares again. It is a vivid memory, really. He can feel one of his dad’s friends behind him, fucking him, and Matt is too high to stop him. He doesn't want this, but he is too high to care either. Freddie said he'd give Matt another hit, so Matt said  _ yes _ . He isn't gentle, but he isn't really rough either. Nothing he is doing is right. Matt can't get off from this. He doesn't enjoy any part of it.

Aaron wakes him, shaking his shoulder and calling his name. Matt jerks out of the nightmare with a gasp on his lips. He stares at Aaron with wide eyes. Aaron smooths a hand over his face, brushing his hair back from his forehead. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Matt whispers. He sits up and scrubs his hands through his hair a few times. “What happened?” The nightmare is already fading. He can't quite remember what it was, just that he didn't like it.

“You were saying ‘stop'.” Aaron moves so that he is sitting in front of Matt. They aren't touching. “And shaking.” 

Matt remembers now. He runs his hands down his face and then looks at Aaron. “When my dad would leave, his friends… Well, the first time, this guy, Freddie, told me he'd give me another hit of heroin if I let him fuck me.” Aaron grits his teeth, but doesn't say anything. “My high was fading and I wanted more, so I said yes. It...sucked, really. I couldn't get off. I just wanted it to end so I could get my hit.”

Aaron flicks at the ring on his thumb for a long moment. “How many times?”

“Four?” Matt says. “Maybe five. I'm not...entirely certain. I was high out of my mind each time. Except once, and that was because I wanted to  _ get _ high. He had the hook-up.”

“That's rape, Matt,” Aaron says, but he's staring at the bed. 

“Not if I said yes,” Matt counters. “They asked, or offered, and I said yes.”

“You were high and, what, fucking sixteen? Seventeen?” Aaron covers his mouth with his hand, something he's started doing lately when he sneers or scowls. Matt would really just rather see it. “I'd kill them, too,” he whispers, barely loud enough for Matt to hear. 

Matt reaches out, slowly, and takes Aaron’s hand away from his mouth. “You don't have to,” he whispers. “And anyway, I don't see it that way.”

“Then why do you think you are having fucking nightmares?” 

“Because Dad called and asked if I wanted to go out there for a party. I said no, but I just can't stop thinking about everything.” Matt rubs his thumb over Aaron’s scarred knuckles. “I forgave him for all the shit he put me through. Yeah, he shouldn't have offered it, but I accepted it. It's just as much my fault as it is his. Even if I forgive him, I can't forget. I won't forget. That was...too hard a lesson learned. Twice.”

“I hate that Andrew did that to you,” Aaron whispers. 

“I don't.” Matt kisses his knuckles. “You were suffering because I was so desperate. It wasn't fair to you. Plus he asked my mom. And I said yes, remember? I grabbed everything he offered and I hung myself. Going through withdrawal and rehab a second time made a lot clear to me. I never want to do that shit again.”

“You were about to,” Aaron says. He sounds guilty when he says it. “Last night.”

“Yeah, but you and Lexi stopped me from being an idiot.” He smiles a little. “I'm not perfect. I fuck up too. I just...I was do desperate last night for any kind of relief…”

“Relief from what?” 

“The nightmares. Not getting any sleep. Worrying about us not talking for days. Our fight. My Dad’s party. Even exy. Shocking, I know. But I just...I wanted to stop thinking about it all.” Matt lowers his head. “I was being stupid.”

“Well, we know you're a moron,” Aaron says. He tugs his hand out of Matt’s and moves back to Matt’s side. He pushes at Matt’s shoulder until he lays down and Aaron curls up nearly on top of him. “Betsy always said we could call her even after we graduated. Why don't you try calling her later?”

“I don't think she can really help anymore, babe…” Matt rubs his arm over Aaron’s shoulder. “Hell, it's been three years - almost four - since I’ve been at PSU.”

“Just try, okay?” Aaron says. “I'm not going to psychoanalyze you myself. I'm too biased. Besides, my psychology courses were pretty basic. That isn't my field.”

Matt just laughs a little. “I don't want you to anyway,” he says. “But okay, I'll call.”

“Good. Now let's try to get a least a couple more hours of sleep?” Aaron kisses Matt’s chest and Matt has to bend and twist a little, but he kisses Aaron’s hair. He just holds Aaron for a long time, and he's certain Aaron is asleep. It takes him far longer, but he does manage to get another short nap in. 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always greatly appreciated


End file.
